


What Came Before Won’t Count Anymore

by MysteriousMidnight



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: All The Usual Warnings for Dear Evan Hansen, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Alternate Universe - Time Travel, Angst, Anxiety, Explicit Language, Fix-It, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Panic Attacks, Reference to Drugs, References to Depression, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Tags May Change, Time Travel AU, Zoe travels back in time, relationship tags may change
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-27
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-12 21:27:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29017380
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MysteriousMidnight/pseuds/MysteriousMidnight
Summary: The Connor Project. Evan. The lies.Ithadhappened.Right?Unless...Maybe it had been some weird, twisted, elaborate dream?(OR: Zoe is sent back in time to the first day of school, and has the chance to save Connor and make things right)
Relationships: Alana Beck & Evan Hansen, Alana Beck & Jared Kleinman, Connor Murphy & Zoe Murphy, Evan Hansen & Connor Murphy, Evan Hansen & Jared Kleinman, Evan Hansen & Zoe Murphy, Jared Kleinman & Connor Murphy
Comments: 38
Kudos: 50





	1. Buried Six Feet Deep

**Author's Note:**

> Hi all! I'm... SO incredibly nervous to post this. It's different from anything I've ever written. First of all, it's a Zoe-centric fic. Second of all, at least so far (I've written the first 6 chapters), this doesn't have any romantic relationships. It focuses on Zoe and Connor and repairing their sibling relationship, as well as on their relationship with their parents. 
> 
> Also, it's the first time I'm writing in the present tense instead of the past tense. I've been reading a lot of fics that are written in present tense, and I've really enjoyed them, so I figured I'd give it a try. 
> 
> The idea for this fic came to me at 5:30am, when I was having trouble sleeping and I was thinking.. Whenever there's a time travel/redo fic, it's always Evan going back in time to save Connor, or meeting Ghost Connor. But.. What if ZOE was the one who went back in time? How would she react? What would happen? 
> 
> So.. I'll stop rambling now and get to it. Hope y'all enjoy! :D

Zoe should probably be embarrassed that she’s curled up in her dead brother’s bed. But she just can’t find the energy to be embarrassed. She’s too exhausted to be embarrassed, her emotions too raw.

The last week has been a nightmare. Connor’s letter- no, _Evan's_ letter getting posted online. The death threats and doxxing. She’d had to get a new cell number. It had been blowing up with people calling her to tell her what a stuck-up bitch she was, that Connor was dead because of her and her parents. Her dad had gotten a new security system installed. They’d started locking the back gate.

She pulls Connor’s favorite hoodie tighter around herself, breathes in the faint smell of weed and Connor’s shampoo. Soon, the smells will fade altogether.

She wants to hate Evan. Wants to tell everyone the truth and let him suffer the consequences. At the same time, she can’t help but feel bad for him. His therapy letter had been mistaken for a suicide note. He was clearly lonely and hurting, maybe just as much as Connor had been. Maybe that’s why he lied.

Or maybe his lies were all for selfish reasons. He’d _admitted_ that his reasoning was selfish. At least partially.

But his lies had also helped, in a strange way. His lies had made them all feel closer to Connor, had allowed them all to mourn him. The lies had healed her family. Maybe not completely, but enough that things were finally getting better.

She wasn’t sure she could ever forgive Evan, but she could understand why he’d lied. Kind of. And she felt bad for him.

Her last thought before drifting off to sleep was how much she wished she _could_ have been closer to her brother. Despite everything that had happened, everything he put her through, she wished fiercely that she could have him back.

Because despite everything, she misses him.

~*~*~

The second Zoe wakes up, she knows something‘s wrong.

First of all, she’s back in her own bed.

Second of all, her mom is yelling for her to come downstairs for breakfast, and she sounds exasperated.

She’s also yelling at Connor to get up, too.

_What?_

Zoe tries to scramble out of bed so quickly, she gets tangled in her sheets. She yelps in surprise as she rolls and hits the floor.

Connor pokes his head in at her, quirking a brow. His eyes are red and, even from across the room, she can smell the weed on him.

“Why are you on the floor?” He asks, frowning. He actually looks.. concerned. Like he cares. It’s the most he’s spoken to her in years; he’s usually just yelling at her.

He’s also supposed to be dead.

Zoe’s mouth drops open. She scrambles to her feet, gawking at her brother.

“This- this can’t- you’re not- you’re-,” Zoe stammers.

Connor scowls at her. “Yeah, I fucking know, I’m not supposed to be in your room. And I’m _not_ , I’m in the hall, see?” He asks stonily, pointing at the carpet, where his feet are planted firmly outside her doorway.

“N-no- I-“ Zoe pauses, swallows. “You’re- you-“

Connor’s scowl softens into a frown. “You’re being weird. Are you, like, okay?”

Zoe shakes her head. No, no she’s _far_ from okay. She sinks onto her bed, putting her face in her hands. She can’t seem to breathe properly. She’s shaking. Is this a panic attack? She knows Connor used to get them sometimes – still gets them sometimes?? - but she’s never had one. Until now, apparently...

A hand drops onto her shoulder. She shrieks and jumps away, knocking into her night table.

Connor’s eyes widen and he steps back, hands up. “What the fuck, Zoe?”

Zoe’s cheeks feel damp; when did she start crying??

“Zoe? Connor, what the hell did you do?” Larry demands, appearing in Zoe’s bedroom and moving swiftly to Zoe’s side.

“Nothing!” Connor snaps, eyes wild with fear and fury. “I swear!”

“Zoe, you need to take a deep breath,” Larry says firmly. “What happened?”

“What’s going on?” Cynthia asks. She’s panting a little, like she ran after Larry.

“I didn’t do anything, mom,” Connor insists. “I swear! You have to believe me.”

Cynthia frowns at him. “You smell like weed. Are you high?”

“I-“ Connor gapes at her, eyes wide.

Zoe shakes her head, shrugging her dad off. Why isn’t anyone else freaking out? Why isn’t anyone else confused and terrified?

“Connor- he’s- you- you’re _dead_ ,” Zoe cries. “You’re- you can’t be- you’re _dead_.”

Connor recoils like Zoe has slapped him. “Fuck you, Zoe,” he snaps, but his voice cracks.

Larry draws himself to his full height, staring at his children with anger in his eyes. “Alright, that’s enough. I don’t know what you two are fighting about this time, but I’m done. Get ready for school. Now.”

He sweeps out of the room, mumbling something about wanting just one peaceful morning.

“I don’t feel well,” Connor says dully, eyes shifting from Zoe to Cynthia. “I don’t wanna go to school.”

“It’s your senior year, Connor,” Cynthia reminds him, exasperated. “You’re not missing your first day of senior year.”

Connor scowls after her as she follows Larry back to the kitchen. Then he glances at Zoe, eyes narrowed in confusion. He slumps off, leaving Zoe alone.

She still can’t stop shaking. She’s so confused. The first day of senior year? Connor’s first day of senior year? But Connor- Connor is DEAD. She’d attended his _funeral_. She’d watched them lower his casket into the ground.

The Connor Project. Evan. The lies.

It _had_ happened.

Right?

Unless...

Maybe it had been some weird, twisted, elaborate dream?

Or- or-

Connor had smoked this morning. Maybe it seeped into her room, and she’s gotten a second-hand high from it? Would she know if she was high? She doesn’t feel high, but..

“Zoe, let’s _go_ ,” Larry yells angrily up the stairs.

Zoe tries to blink back her tears. Something isn’t right. Something is very, very wrong. She just has no idea what.

She finally forces herself to get up and get dressed. She goes through the motions of brushing her hair, her teeth, of going down to breakfast.

Connor is there, staring blankly into an empty bowl, like he can will cereal into existence if he stares hard enough.

Zoe doesn’t have an appetite though. She grabs a granola bar from the cabinet, tells Connor to hurry up or she’ll leave without him, then waits in her car.

She can’t look at Connor when he climbs into the passenger seat. She knows he’s staring at her, but she ignores him. She backs the car out and drives. She doesn’t even turn music on.

Connor finally looks away, slumping in his seat and staring out the window. He’s quiet. He always was - is?? - but he’s quieter than usual this morning.

She used to hate driving her brother to school, used to complain vehemently about it.

And then he was dead and she didn’t have to anymore.

And now he’s alive. He’s sitting right next to her. Like nothing happened. _Did_ something happen? Is she going crazy?

Maybe she’s going crazy.

Zoe’s breath hitches in her chest. She lets out a soft sob, hands gripping the wheel until her knuckles turn white.

“Zoe, pull over,” Connor demands.

Zoe shakes her head, presses harder on the gas. Maybe she’s dreaming. Maybe if she crashes the car, she’ll wake up and things will be back to normal.

Does she even want that? Does she want to go back to a world where Connor is- is-

“Zoe,” Connor snaps, grabbing her arm. “Slow down!”

She hiccups a sob, shaking her head harder, hair flying into her face. She speeds up again.

Connor curses, shifting in his seat. Suddenly, his leg is beside hers, nudging her foot off the gas and pressing on the brake. He slows them down, pushes her hands off the wheel, then carefully steers the car onto the shoulder. He throws the car into park, then draws his leg awkwardly back over the middle console.

Somewhere in the back of Zoe’s mind, she wonders how he managed to maneuver that way with his impossibly long legs.

His impossibly long legs that are currently buried six feet deep.

Or not. Because he’s sitting right beside her.

No. He’s standing outside her door, unbuckling her seat belt and helping her out of the car.

She blinks and she’s in the passenger seat and Connor’s in the drivers seat.

“You can’t drive, you’re dead,” she says flatly. Giggles. “This isn’t real. You’re- we buried you.”

“Zoe, what the fuck are you on?” Connor demands, but his voice shakes. He’s staring at Zoe like she’s lost her mind. Maybe she has.

Her giggles melt into sobs, and she’s crying again. What the fuck is happening why is this happening she’s losing her mind she’s _lost_ her mind.

“Zoe.”

She looks up at him and immediately stops laughing. Connor looks scared. She can’t remember the last time he was scared.

“Should I take you to, like, the hospital?” He asks, picking anxiously at his nail polish.

She hesitates. It sounds like the right thing to do, but... It’s not like she can explain what’s happening. First of all, she doesn’t _know_ what’s happening. Second of all, they’d just lock her up in the psych ward and pump her full of drugs. She remembers how Connor had been, the first time he’d tried to kill himself. He’d been drugged up and completely out of it.

She can’t figure out what’s going on if she’s locked up and drugged.

So she shakes her head. “Sorry,” she says softly.

Connor frowns at her. “Do you wanna go home?”

Zoe shakes her head. “I’m okay. Sorry.”

She’s really not, and she really doesn’t want to go to school. But she feels like she has to, like it’ll help her figure out what’s happening, somehow.

Connor gives her a look like he doesn’t believe her, but he buckles up and starts driving again.

They drive in silence the rest of the way to school. Connor parks and stares at her for a minute, opens his mouth like he’s going to speak, then changes his mind and climbs out. Zoe follows, taking her keys when Connor offers them.

He stares at her again, then finally shakes his head and starts walking into school. Zoe follows him.

She stands at her locker, feeling numb. What the _fuck_ is-

“Hey, Connor, loving the new hair length! Very school shooter chic.”

Zoe goes cold. She grips her locker.

“I was kidding. It was a joke.”

She looks up, watches as Connor stalks closer to Jared Kleinman.

“Yeah, no. It was funny. I’m laughing, can’t you tell?”

Connor obviously isn’t laughing. He shouldn’t be laughing. He’s _dead_.

“You’re such a freak,” Jared laughs nervously. He backs away, then runs.

Then another laugh. A soft, awkward laugh. Evan.

“What the fuck are you laughing at?”

Zoe closes her eyes. Feels like she’s going to throw up.

“You think _I'm_ the freak?”

No, no, no.

“ _You're_ the fucking freak.”

She finally forces herself to open her eyes, just as Connor pushes Evan to the ground and runs off.

Evan winces, cradling his arm to his chest, looking ready to cry.

His arm.

His broken arm.

The arm that’s in a cast.

It shouldn’t still be in a cast. He’d gotten the cast off in October.

But it’s September now. Again.

Zoe hitches out a sob, throws a hand over her mouth, and - instead of hurrying to help Evan, like she had the first time - she runs to the bathroom and throws up her granola bar.

When she comes out of the bathroom, Evan’s still in the hallway, kind of just sitting on the floor, looking lost and confused.

Zoe doesn’t want to speak to him. She doesn’t know if she can without screaming at him.

But this Evan doesn’t know what he did. Hasn’t even _done_ what he did yet. Or-

Zoe blinks, shakes away her confusion and runs to Evan. She opens and closes her mouth a few times.

“Oh,” Evan says quickly, hurrying to his feet. “I-“

“Hi,” Zoe finally manages. She swallows. “Are you okay? I saw my- my brother push you.”

“Oh,” Evan says again, looking around nervously. “Yeah- I-“

“I’m Zoe. You’re Evan.”

“Evan, yeah.” Evan frowns, his fingers finding the hem of his shirt. “Sorry-“

“It’s fine,” Zoe says quickly, not in the mood for the whole song and dance they’d done the first day. “If you’re okay-“ she turns to go.

“Doyoumaybewannasignmycast?”

Zoe pauses, glancing at him. She remembers him asking this the first time, too. She hadn’t understood him, thanks to how fast he had spoken, and he’d been too embarrassed to ask again when she’d said, “sorry, what?” But after having him in her home - and being in his - almost every night for several months, she actually understands him this time.

She holds her hand out for a sharpie. He looks so shocked, it almost makes her cry. Or laugh. The look on his face is just so comical. But she stops herself. She knows how bad his anxiety is, knows it would set him off.

He hands her the sharpie. She hesitates, takes his arm carefully, afraid of hurting him. She signs her name, down by his wrist. Adds a little “feel better fast!” then hands him the sharpie.

“Thanks,” Evan says, eyes wide, staring at her name on his arm.

Zoe nods. Walks away. She turns a corner, then another. She can’t walk anymore. So she slides down in front of some lockers and starts sobbing.


	2. Terabithia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi all! Thanks so much for the positive feedback! I'm so excited to share more of this story with you! Enjoy!! :D

Zoe has no clue how she manages to get through her classes. She’s on autopilot, listening to the teachers do their introductions, go over their syllabi. She croaks her name out every time a teacher forces them to go around the room and introduce themselves. Says she’s in jazz band for her “fun fact.”

By fourth period, she almost blurts out that her brother is actually dead and she’s somehow managed to time travel back to the day he killed himself - wow, fun fact, right?!?

But she manages to say, in monotone, that she’s in jazz band. Again.

She sits with her old group of friends at lunch. The group she’d sat with up until Connor’s letter- No, _Evan's_ letter - had come out. Then everyone had ostracized her, called her names in the hallways. Told her she was a stuck-up bitch. They’d taunted her, repeating lines from the letter at her.

She knows now that they aren’t really her friends, not if they could turn on her so easily. None of them had even asked for her side of the story. Not that there had been much to say, not without throwing Evan under the bus.

Her stomach clenches when she thinks about Evan. They had been through so much together. Zoe’s not sure what would have happened if Evan hadn’t been there to help her mourn - even if it had all turned out to be one big fucking lie.

She can’t help but wonder if they’d have ended up together without the lie. Or if the lie hadn’t been a lie. But she’s not sure. They had nothing else in common, and had never spoken before that. But she _had_ developed feelings for him. And she still kind of did have feelings for him. But he’d _lied_ to her. He’d-

She shakes her head. She can’t think about that. She can’t.

It’s not until she’s walking to her last class of the day that realization slams into her.

Or, more like her _brother_ slams into her, in his hurry to follow Evan into the computer lab.

Shit.

Shit shit _shit_.

Connor had taken Evan’s letter from him in the computer lab. And then he’d gone home and- and-

Zoe doesn’t know all the details. She can only imagine what happened - could only wonder why Connor would take Evan’s letter and then-

“Fuck,” she hisses, hurrying after her brother.

“-fell out of a tree, actually.”

“You.. fell. Out of a tree.”

Zoe follows the sound of their voices, hurrying. She has no clue how long she has until her brother explodes.

“That’s just the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever heard, oh my god.”

Zoe pauses, eyes wide. Connor’s laughing. It’s stilted, stiff. Awkward. But he’s _laughing_.

She can’t remember the last time she heard him laugh.

“Is this yours? I found it on the printer-“

Zoe jumps, hurrying to her brother’s side and snatching the letter out of his hand.

“Zoe, what the fuck?” Connor snaps, eyes darkening with confusion, and maybe a little bit of anger.

Zoe scrambles for an explanation. Evan’s eying the letter, eyes wide and face bright red. He reaches for it, stops. Opens and closes his mouth. Gulps. Looks like he’s ready to pass out.

Zoe thrusts the letter at Evan. He takes it, visibly relaxing as he folds it as small as possible before shoving it into his pocket.

“I need to go home,” Zoe says suddenly, looking at Connor. “Can you drive me?”

Connor stares at her, eyes darting to Evan, then back.

“It’s _your_ car,” he reminds her. “You can drive yourself.”

“Connor,” Zoe pleads. She knows Evan is watching her, knows Connor is angry and confused, and maybe seconds away from exploding. She needs to get Connor out of here.

And suddenly she knows what she has to do.

“Terabithia,” she says, looking Connor right in the eye when she says it.

His eyes widen. He frowns at her, but nods.

He gets it. Zoe sags in relief.

Connor glances at Evan. He has a sharpie in his hand, which he quickly tries to hide behind his back. 

"Sorry," Evan says quickly, staring hard at his feet. "I was just- You don't have to, but I just thought. If you wanted to sign my cast? But- but, if you need to leave, it's fine. Really."

Connor glances at Zoe, who nods encouragingly, then back at Evan. Evan's eyes widen in surprise. He's so shocked, he doesn't try to protest when Connor reaches behind him to grab the sharpie. He lets out a small “ow” when Connor grabs his arm, then watches as Connor signs quickly in giant letters across the entire one side of his cast.

“Oh.. thanks,” Evan says weakly.

“Yeah, well, now we can both pretend we have friends,” Connor shrugs, handing the sharpie back to Evan. “Sorry for shoving you earlier,” he adds, before turning to Zoe.

“I wasn’t making fun of you,” Evan says quickly. “Earlier. I wasn’t- I wasn’t laughing at you.”

Connor glances back at him. He nods, then takes Zoe’s arm and steers her out of the computer lab.

“You okay?” he asks softly. The softest he’s spoken to her in years.

She shakes her head. She’s not okay. She’s not okay at all.

They sneak out the side entrance and to the junior parking lot. Zoe hands Connor her keys and then drops into the passenger seat. Connor climbs into the driver’s side, tossing his bag into the back. He turns to look at Zoe.

She tries to stare out her window. But she can feel Connor watching her. He hasn’t even turned the car on yet. So, reluctantly, she looks up at him.

“What’s going on with you?” He blurts. Then flinches. He tries again. “You’re being really weird today. Like, I know I have no room to talk - I’m a fucking freak, right? But you’re kinda... Like, I know it’s not my place to worry, but I am. Worried.”

Zoe opens her mouth. Closes it. What can she say? She can’t tell Connor that when she’d gone to sleep the night before, he’d been dead. And then she’d woken up and it was three months ago and he was alive.

He’d think she was insane. She still wasn’t positive she wasn’t.

“I just.. didn’t sleep well,” she finally says. It’s close to the truth; she _hadn't_ slept well.

Connor frowns, like he doesn’t believe her. But he turns back around in his seat and starts driving.

It’s quiet for a long time.

And then-

“I can’t believe you remember Terabithia,” Connor says quietly.

Zoe glances at him, then away. “I do.”

Connor had read Bridge to Terabithia when he was twelve. He’d loved it so much, he’d forced Zoe to read it. They used to pretend the woods behind their house was Terabithia - their own little fantasy world they could escape to when they needed to just get away.

Zoe can’t remember which of them had suggested it, but one of them had decided that Terabithia should be their secret code word, something they could say to each other whenever one of them was in a situation they desperately wanted out of. It didn’t matter why they needed to get away; they never questioned each other. They just went.

They’d used Terabithia as their code word for years, until Connor’s mental health had taken a nose dive and they’d grown apart.

Connor glances at Zoe, then back at the road. “I’m sorry you, like. Feel so crappy that you had to use it.”

“It’s.. been a weird day. Week. Three months. Whatever,” Zoe says dryly.

Connor frowns. “Three months?”

Zoe swallows. “I- nothing. It’s nothing.”

“You can talk to me,” Connor offers, voice hesitant. Like he’s not sure if they’re in the kind of place where he can offer this olive branch.

“I- it’s-“ Zoe bites her lip. Sniffles. Hangs her head so her hair hides her face.

“Zo?”

Zoe starts crying again. Connor hasn’t called her Zo since he was thirteen, and she was twelve - right before everything went bad.

Connor doesn’t know what to do, so he keeps driving until they’re home. The second he unlocks the front door, Zoe bolts upstairs and slams her door shut.

She curls up on her bed and cries. Cries and cries and cries until she doesn’t think she has any tears left.

There’s a knock at her door a little while later. Connor doesn’t wait for an answer before he opens it. He shuffles into her room, looking incredibly nervous. He’s not allowed to come in here - not since he pounded on her door, threatening to kill her, and Larry had to physically throw him down the hallway to snap him out of it.

He’s waiting for her to throw him out, to scream at him. But she doesn’t have it in her.

“Zoe, you’re officially freaking me out,” he admits, sitting cautiously on the edge of her bed.

Zoe sniffles, sitting up. She stares at him for a minute, then lunges forward and wraps her arms around him, burying her head in his hoodie and sobbing harder.

“What-“ Connor chokes, staring down at Zoe with wide eyes. They haven’t hugged since they were kids. Was this really happening right now? Or was he super high and hallucinating?

Slowly - very, very slowly, so Zoe can pull away if she wants to - he wraps his arms around her and hugs her tight. He’s not good at making people feel better; he never knows what to say. So he just holds her until she pulls away and lays back down.

“Sorry,” she mumbles, eyes fluttering closed.

Connor stands and takes a step back. “You don’t- if anyone should be apologizing, it’s me, for all the shit I’ve done.”

When she doesn’t answer, he assumes she’s fallen asleep. He starts to leave.

“Connor.”

He pauses in her doorway. “Yeah, Zo?”

“I’m glad you’re not dead.”

Connor flinches. But her eyes are closed again, so she doesn’t see. He hesitates, then sits in her doorway with his back against the frame. He doesn’t want to leave her just yet.

By the time he hears her snoring softly, his legs have gone numb from being crossed underneath him. He stands, stumbles a little. He catches his balance, and when he turns around, Cynthia is there. She frowns at him, pokes her head in Zoe’s room to check on her, then motions for Connor to follow her downstairs.

“Connor, what’s going on?” Cynthia asks, sitting down at the kitchen table and motioning him to do the same. “The school called. You _both_ skipped your last class?”

Connor stares down at his hands, picking at his nail polish. “I dunno.. Zoe- She found me in the computer lab. She said she needed to go home and begged me to drive her.”

“Did she say what was wrong?” Cynthia asks, voice tight with worry.

Connor shakes his head. “No, but.. she’s kinda freaking me out. She’s saying some weird shit-“

“Language,” Cynthia scolds. She sighs, pressing a hand to her forehead. “What, exactly, did she say?”

Connor hesitates. They don’t talk about his first suicide attempt. That’s not a thing they do. But Zoe had said she was glad he wasn’t dead. And, that morning - the things she’d said in the car...

“She, uh..” He swallows. “This morning, in the car? She told me.. she told me I was dead, that you’d buried me.”

Cynthia flinches, eyes widening with shock.

“And then as she was falling asleep, she told me she was- she was glad I _wasn't_ dead.”

Cynthia opens her mouth, but no sound comes out. She presses her lips together, closes her eyes. She takes a breath, then opens them again.

“Your father doesn’t need to know you both skipped, okay? I’ll- I’ll take to Zoe when she wakes up later.”

Connor’s eyes widen in shock. Cynthia never lies to Larry..

“Go upstairs, okay? Rest. It’s clearly been a.. a very trying day.”

Connor stands quickly. He gives his mom one more disbelieving look. He can’t believe he’s not in trouble.. But he’s not going to question it. Instead, he hurries up to his room, taking the stairs two at a time.

~*~*~

When Zoe wakes up, she has a pounding headache and her eyes feel gritty. She glances at her phone, shocked to discover its after 8pm. She can’t believe no one woke her for dinner. She sits up, the room spinning briefly. She wonders if Connor told their parents about her freak-out..

She sighs. She doesn’t want to run into her parents, but she’s starving. She reluctantly tiptoes downstairs, turns on the kitchen light-

And yelps.

“Figured you’d have to come down for food at some point,” Cynthia says from her spot at the kitchen table.

“You scared the crap out of me,” Zoe huffs, pressing a hand over her heart.

“I could say the same thing about you,” Cynthia says, motioning for Zoe to sit. “You have me pretty scared, Zoe. You have Connor pretty scared, too.”

Zoe stares down at the table. She can’t tell her mom the truth, so she says nothing.

“Talk to keep honey,” Cynthia begs.

“It’s nothing,” Zoe says tightly. “I’m fine.”

“Clearly you’re not. Connor told me what you said. And skipping your last class? Honey, you’re not fine. I’m here, okay? Tell me what’s wrong so I can help you.”

“I’m fine,” Zoe snaps, standing abruptly. She knows she’s crying, knows she’s being a bitch, but her mom would just think she’s insane if she told the truth. “I’ve been stressed about school starting and I had a really bad, really... vivid... dream, and I freaked out, okay? Nothing a good night’s sleep won’t cure.”

She turns her back on Cynthia, running up the stairs as quickly as she can. She closes and locks her door, collapsing on her bed.

It’s only then that she realizes she never grabbed any food. She sighs in frustration and grabs a granola bar she has stashed in her backpack for emergencies. After eating it in two giant bites, she changes into pajamas and crawls under her covers. It’s way too early to go to bed, but she’s exhausted and she doesn’t want to think anymore – mostly because she doesn’t know _what_ to think. How could this be happening? How could she suddenly be back in the past? How can it be September again? How can Connor be _alive_ again?

She rolls over and clutches the stuffed unicorn Connor had won for her when she was nine and they’d gone to the summer carnival at the Autumn Smile Apple Orchard.

After hours of tossing and turning, Zoe finally falls into a fitful sleep.


	3. Protect Her From the Monsters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heyyyyyy all. SO SO SO sorry for the delay in posting. I was on a roll with writing this, and I had the first 7 chapters written, and then I completely re-wrote the second half of chapter 4 and it's still in the process of being fixed, so it slowed down my posting schedule. This was just meant to be a short multi-chapter but I've kinda fallen in love with the world? So now I'm making it slightly longer. Idk how long, but longer than originally intended.
> 
> Also, if you read my other multi-chapter, Catch Me If I Fall, you'll know the other reason I haven't posted is because I've been struggling a bit with my mental health, plus I started a new medicine for my migraines that makes me super sleepy at night, and at night is when I used to write, so now I'm falling asleep before I can. I meant to post this last night, but I'm resorting to posting it now (9:29am) before I leave for work because I fell asleep last night, oops.
> 
> Anyway, I really love this chapter, and I love where I'm taking chapter 4 after the edits, so I hope you enjoy! :D

When Connor wakes up the next morning, he jumps. Zoe’s sound asleep beside him, facing away from him.

Now he’s _really_ worried about his sister, because she hasn’t crawled into his bed since she was six, when she used to have horrible nightmares and needed him to “protect her” from the monsters.

He carefully crawls over her, then kneels on the floor beside the bed.

“Hey,” he whispers, shaking her gently. “Zoe?”

She slowly opens her eyes, blinks. “Connor? What are you doing in my room?”

He’d laugh at her sleepy confusion if he wasn’t so concerned. “I should be asking you that. You’re in _my_ room, Zo.”

She gasps and sits up abruptly, almost smacking Connor with her elbow in the process.

“Shit, I’m sorry,” she says, eyes wide and fearful. “I’m s-sorry. I just- I couldn’t-“

“Nightmares?” He guesses, frowns when she nods. He can see tears building in her eyes again. “It’s fine, okay? I’m sorry you’re having nightmares again; I thought those had stopped.”

Zoe stares down at her feet. “Me too.”

“Well, it’s early. We have time to go to Starbucks before school, if you want.” He shuffles a bit, avoids looking at her. He’s still not sure what’s going on with her, but he’s missed his sister. Missed how close they used to be.

He’s also terrified he’s going to ruin it. Have a “tantrum” (as Larry so lovingly calls his bouts of anger; fuck him) and scare her away again. He’s been trying so hard to keep himself from doing that, but he always feels like a bomb that’s about to go off, and he’s worried it’s just a matter of time...

Or worse, that Zoe will regain her sanity and start hating him again.

He wouldn’t blame her.

Zoe glances up at him, nodding. She’d never had dinner last night, and she was starving. “Yeah, um, that would be cool. I’ll go get dressed.”

Connor nods and watches her go, worry gnawing at him.

~*~*~

Zoe asks him to drive again. She doesn’t think she can focus enough to.

They go through the Starbucks drive-thru. Connor remembers her order. She blinks back tears and sips her drink, trying hard not to start crying in front of him again.

He hands her back her car keys as they start walking into the school building.

“Hey, Evan’s waiting at your locker,” Zoe says, eyes widening.

She can’t help but think about The Connor Project, and the friendship that was a lie.

But maybe it doesn’t have to be.

She’d kept Connor from reading Evan’s letter and freaking out over its contents. Zoe still wishes she knew what about it, exactly, had caused him to freak out to begin with, but she can’t exactly ask.

“Oh,” Connor frowns, shifting uncomfortably.

“He seems nice,” Zoe says. “Maybe you guys can-“

“What, do you have, like, a crush on him?” Connor asks suddenly, eyes dark with - something. Zoe isn’t sure what.

“I-“ Zoe has no idea what to say. She doesn’t know how she feels about Evan. Not after everything he put her through. But feelings don’t just go away. “It’s- it’s complicated.

“Right,” Connor sneers. “So you weren’t just coming to find me for a ride home yesterday. You were looking for him and- and _what_? You didn’t want me talking to your crush and _embarrassing_ you? Is that it?”

“ _What_? Connor, no-“

“Fuck you, Zoe,” he snaps, storming away, ignoring Evan trying to get his attention.

Zoe slumps, watching him disappear down the hall. She glances at Evan, who looks very confused, and decides to see if he’s okay.

“Hey,” she says when she reaches him

“Hi,” he says timidly, glancing at Connor’s retreating form, then Zoe, then the floor.

“Sorry, I-“ Zoe sighs. “I pissed him off.”

“Oh.” Evan frowns. “I was- I was actually trying to check on- on you.”

“On _me_?” Zoe asks, startled.

Evan nods. “Well.. mostly, um, mostly because you had to leave early yesterday. So I- I just wanted to see-“

“I’m fine,” Zoe says quickly.

“Okay,” Evan nods, picking at his cast.

Zoe can’t help but frown at his cast. She’s not positive, but she’s pretty sure Evan didn’t fall out of that tree, like he said. After getting to know him over the course of three months, after finding out Connor’s suicide note was actually Evan’s therapy assignment..

She had almost asked Evan about it. A few days after he’d confessed that he and Connor weren’t actually friends, and she’d started to calm down from the initial shock. She’d re-read the letter countless times, and every time she read it, it filled her with more and more dread.

But she’d never worked up the courage, and then she’d been... back here. Before it all happened. And this Evan didn’t know her, so it really wasn’t her place to ask.

“Well.. I better get to-“

“Wait,” Evan says quickly. “I- just. Yesterday.” He looks really anxious now, eyes darting around nervously - looking anywhere but at Zoe. “The way you ran up to Connor and grabbed my- my letter from him. How did you know... how did you know it was mine?”

Zoe bites her lip. “I- saw your name on it. And you two were the only people in the computer lab, and I knew Connor had just gotten there, so. Yeah.”

Evan’s eyes went wide. “You.. saw my name. Um.” He was picking his cuticles now. “Did you- did you see anything else in it?”

Zoe can recite the letter from memory. “No,” she lies. “Stop, you’re bleeding,” she scolds, grabbing Evan’s hand and holding it tightly.

Evan opens and closes his mouth, eyes on their hands.

Zoe lets go, steps back. “Sorry, I really have to-“

She hurries away.

~*~*~

Connor does his best to avoid speaking to anyone throughout the day. He’s still fuming over his conversation with Zoe. Which is maybe stupid. His sister is allowed to have a crush on someone. And, like, sure, Evan is pretty cute. And, objectively, he seems pretty nice and not like some of the other dickheads they go to school with. Connor gets why she’d like him. But for some reason, it really makes him angry, and he’s not sure why.

So he keeps his head down and avoids talking to anyone.

Until he bumps into someone in the hall on his way to lunch.

“Oh! I’m so- I’m sorry!”

Connor looks up, glaring daggers - and then sees that it’s Evan. Why can’t he seem to get away from this kid all of a sudden?

“It’s fine,” he mumbles, hurrying past.

“Hey, um-“ He shrinks back when Connor turns another glare on him. “Sorry, never mind.” His shoulders slump.

Connor’s sighs, tries to rein in his anger. “What?”

“I just.. what you said the other day? About- about pretending we both have friends..” Evan swallows. “It’s stupid, you don’t- I just thought maybe- if you want. Only if you want. Maybe we could.. eat lunch together?”

Connor stares at him for a long time. Evan starts to squirm under his steely glare.

“Why?”

Evan jumps. “S-sorry..?”

“Why would you want to eat lunch with the school freak?” Connor asks, voice as cold as the look in his eyes.

“I- I don’t think you’re- you’re not a freak,” Evan argues. “If anyone’s a freak, it’s me. I can’t- I can’t even _talk_ to people without, like, stumbling over my own words or- or sweating like crazy or- rambling which is what I’m doing now oh my god I’m so sorry, I’ll shut up now.”

Connor sighs. “I don’t eat in the cafeteria. Too crowded. And too many opportunities for people to mess with me.”

“We can eat wherever you want,” Evan says quickly. “And you don’t have to even- we don’t need to talk. I’m bad with small talk, anyway. I’ll just start rambling about trees if I have to do small talk. We can just, um, sit and eat and do homework or whatever.”

Connor smiles a little bit. “Rambling about trees?”

“I like trees,” Evan blushes. “And nature.”

Connor nods. “Cool.” He motions for Evan to follow him.

When they walk into the library, the librarian smiles and waves at Connor. He smiles back, then leads Evan into a back corner table and sits.

Connor pulls out headphones and a book. Evan grabs some homework he wants to get out of the way.

They sit in companionable silence until the bells signals the end of the period. When they go to leave, Connor smiles at Evan again - a small one, and only for a second. But he _does_ say maybe they can do this again tomorrow before he hurries away.

Evan watches him go. He’s not sure if they’re friends, and they didn’t even talk at all, but he suddenly feels a little less lonely.

~*~*~

Connor meets Zoe at her locker after school.

“Do you need me to drive home?”

Zoe blinks. “I- I figured you’d still be mad at me.”

Connor shrugs, staring at his feet. “It was a stupid thing to get mad about,” he admits. “And, uh.. Evan and I ate lunch together. He seems cool, I guess. So, like, if you _do_ have a crush on him-“

“I don’t know,” Zoe snaps.

Connor glances up at her, looking startled and confused.

Zoe sighs. “Sorry. I just.. it’s- it’s complicated and I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Did- did something happen? Did he _do_ something?” Connor asks, anger flashing in his eyes.

“ _No_ ,” Zoe insists. Lies. But it’s the truth in this reality. Parallel universe. Hallucination. Whatever she’s in. “No, it’s. No. Can we just go home?”

Connor nods, taking the keys when Zoe offers them.

~*~*~

Zoe jolts awake, feeling disoriented and completely panicked. Her clock informs her it’s 10:30pm.

Connor.

She has to check on Connor.

Connor’s dead.

No, she saw him a few hours ago. At dinner. He didn’t talk, barely ate, but he was there.

Wasn’t he?

She has to know.

She jumps to her feet, stumbles, then runs out of her room and to Connor’s. She stumbles again when she reaches his doorway, nearly falling.

Connor’s in bed, reading. He jumps when he hears her crash into his doorway.

“Jesus Christ, Zoe,” Connor yelps, sitting up and putting his book down. “What the fuck?”

Zoe let’s out a hysterical sob, throwing herself into his arms and crying.

Connor wraps his arms around her and holds her, let’s her cry.

It takes a long time, but eventually, her sobs turn to sniffles. She shifts, curling up beside him. She ends up falling asleep, and Connor doesn’t have the heart to wake her.

Eventually, he gets tired, too. He puts his book on his night table, turns the light off, and falls asleep to the sound of Zoe snoring softly.


End file.
